Despair at Dawn
Despair at Dawn, original art collage
As far back as I can remember, I have struggled intensely with mornings. No matter the state of my mental health—or my life—at any point in time. Even at my (seemingly) overall happiest or most content, my first thought upon waking is: I just want to die. Please take me. It’s not a proactive where-is-my-gun-so-I-can-end-it as much as it’s a despair laced longing to close my eyes and just never open them again. Intensely passive. The prospect of having to face and live another day just feels much too daunting. These feelings linger for the first 40-60 minutes after waking every day and I can remember them going as far back as 11 or 12 years old.
They are consistent. I have always dreaded mornings.
This morning despair is especially pronounced for me now (mid-life, genetic predisposition, parenthood without community, money struggles and growing societal unease being contributing factors) and last month for the first time in my whole damn life—unbelievably—I googled this phenomenon and learned it’s an actual thing some call morning depression or diurnal mood variation. This may sound batshit, that I would never talk about this to anyone (never wanted to worry anyone needlessly obviously) or actually look it up but I guess I just always assumed it was really bizarre and I suspected I was alone in dealing with such a thing. (Standard irrational human shit.) To say I felt incredibly validated to learn that I’m really not and many actually experience this was one of the most beautiful facts I had no idea I even needed until I got it.
Despair at Dawn is a digital collage created from these sources (included above)
Odaliski by Richard Hall. Oil on canvas. 1883
Philosophy and Christian Art by Daniel Huntington. Oil on canvas. 1868
Et dampskib i en storm i Atlanterhavet by Carl Bille. Oil on canvas. 1863
Six dead birds by Willem Van Leen. Medium unknown. 1803
Jewelers Sign Watch by Paul Poffinbarger. Medium unknown. 1940
Sofa by Henry Granet. Medium unknown. 1936
Linnet by Wilhelm von Wright. Gouache on paper. 1830
Anheuser Busch Advertisement. Chromolithograph. 1876
